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Many singles put all their energy into finding a romance
rather than into finding friends. They attend singles
events until they meet a "likely prospect."
After dating a while, they conclude that the relationship
doesn't have a future and drop one another, heading
back to singles groups to find another "prospect,"
meanwhile complaining bitterly about having "wasted"
time on the previous person.
What if instead they met people, developed a circle
of friends to "hang out" with, got to know
folks without a lot of expectations?
By getting acquainted gradually without the pressures
of dating, discover who really is special and then date
each other, when you're already friends and well acquainted.
Think back to your kid days. You "hung out"
with other kids after school, after ball games, at somebody's
house or at the park on weekends.
You got to know people well not because you were always
doing "special" things together, but because
you weren't. You were spending real time – games,
lunches, washing the car, walks, and mostly just talking
and hanging around.
Ah but, you may complain, you don't have that much
time for friends any more. Listen: meeting friends
on your lunch hour doesn't take any longer than a lunch
hour alone.
Taking your child to the park doesn't take any longer
when you've invited other folks and their kids to show
up too.
Spending the afternoon at the street fair takes an
afternoon whether you go alone of with a group.
See? Change your way of looking at the things
you're doing and always ask yourself, could I include
other people too, to get to know them and make this
even more fun?
The point of hanging out is to develop and maintain
friendships.
The bonus advantage is that you get to know people
well without dating, and discover who is special enough
to date.
But there are some rules for hanging out that you
have to observe:
- 1. Everybody pays their own way. "Letting"
someone pay for you takes it out of friends and into
dating and spoils the hanging out, for you and sometimes
for the others there too.
- 2. When it comes to friends, both sexes count.
You don't always have to have equal numbers of men
and women when you're hanging out, but if you're the
only member of your sex present, after awhile the
opposite sex is going to think this is. more about
your ego than about friendship and stop showing up.
- 3. Everybody is with everybody. Nobody gets
to monopolize anybody; people can and should socialize
with the whole group.
- 4. No clock watching. OK, so it's a 6:40
movie, everybody needs to show up before 6:40, but
in general "hangin out" allows a lot of
time flexibility. Some people can come along for an
hour or two, others longer, others less. No big deal.
- 5. Everybody calls everybody. When you're
talking about friendships, the ancient dating adage
that women shouldn't call me does not apply. You call
your friends; you invite friends to do things together.
Hanging out is working on friendships, everybody calls
everybody.
To have friends as a single adult means putting yourself
out a bit, taking some initiative. As Emerson said,
"The only way to have
a friend is to be one." And one of the best ways
to do that is to recapture the lost art of "hanging
out."
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