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One of the most common questions I get from readers is: "How
soon long should I wait before having sex with someone new?"
(Actually, truth be told, this question comes primarily from
women. With few exceptions, for most men the answer to the
question "How soon should you have sex?" is "How
soon can I get it?")
Obviously, the "right time" between two consenting
adults varies with every relationship. Some people think it's
okay to sleep with someone on the first date, others think
nothing before marriage is acceptable. My own theory on the
right time to do it for the first time falls somewhere in
between tramp-o-rama and virgin nun.
If you're just looking for a wild night, and a serious relationship
or pesky moral dilemmas aren't in the picture, then by all
means, let the shirt buttons go flying. But, if what you're
looking for is a long-term relationship, you should wait to
have sex until you're in an exclusive relationship and hold
off on doing the deed for at least a month.
No sex for the first month. Really.
Remember the old saying your mother, or grandmother used
to repeat, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free?" Well, like it or not, in theory, it still
holds true today. Sure the sexual revolution has loosened
things up a bit, but as we all know, that old double standard
still exists. Sure, you can either sit there, mentally debating
with me about why it's unfair or wrong, or you can just smile
and do what works. After all, what's a little delayed gratification
when we're talking about the man or woman of your dreams?
Whip out the fur-lined handcuffs and edible undies on your
honeymoon, if you're so inclined. The third date is not the
time.
Okay, now try not to have a heart attack, it's really not
that bad. Once you start dating someone exclusively, one more
month really isn't that long to wait.
Why wait a month? The answer may surprise you. It has nothing
to do with any moral issues, and it's not about playing hard
to get. It's about chemistry. Brain chemistry.
The Love Drug
When women have sex, a chemical called Oxytocin is released
in our brains. Scientists refer to it as the "Cuddle
Hormone." Why? Because it causes the affected person
to get all sorts of mushy, googly, nesting romantic feelings.
So what happens if you have sex too soon? A guy you thought
was just so-so yesterday suddenly becomes Mr. Fabulous once
you've had sex with him. Did he stop ending jokes with "get
it?", picking his nose or talking incessantly about his
mother/pet iguana/job at the post office? No. The difference
is sex. Doped up on Oxytocin, it's much more difficult to
judge whether or not he's someone we really want to be with
through the haze of googly-moogly romantic emotion.
The one-month sex embargo is just an extra measure of certainty,
to make sure the guy is really someone you want to be involved
with on that level of intimacy. How long you wait is up to
you, as long as you wait at least a month. After the one-month
mark, it will be abundantly clear to your man that you do
not take this sex thing lightly, and that someone would have
to be pretty darn special before you'd consider jumping into
bed with him. And, you will have the opportunity to make your
decision using your brain while it is still functioning properly.
Don't worry if you think your guy will leave if you don't
have sex with him. After interviewing hundreds of men on the
subject, I can tell you that this simply isn't a factor. If
he can't wait until you're ready, he certainly won't be hanging
around long after the deed is done. By waiting, you are sending
a message to your guy that sex with you is something special,
and he will have no choice but to believe you are worth the
wait.
Nag. Nag. Nag. Safety first.
I would be remiss if I didn't stress the importance of safe
sex. Always, always, always use a condom until you are both
1) in a long-term, monogamous relationship and also
2) have both been tested and are clean for STDs.
If it freaks you out to buy condoms at the local Kroger with
your yogurt and salad-by-the-pound, by all means order yourself
a box from one of the many online drugstores. They'll deliver
right to your door, and even your postal worker won't suspect
a thing.
Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love
with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less.
At bookstores everywhere.
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, The Other Half and Ricki Lake.
Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of
man-snagging techniques, at www.stopgettingdumped.com
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